Vintage

cekyophr5

Children may be resilient. They are not insensitive.
One of the questions I often get asked is this: "I am doing my best to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children. My husband says that our children are not affected by our fights. I worry that they are. Who is right?" [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] Sadly, the wife is.
(C) 2006 Annie Kaszina
Children need their truth to be acknowledged.
Children learn what they live. When they live in a situation in which their feelings are denied, even for the best of reasons, they learn that their feelings are unimportant. That belief which beds down in their belief system and becomes a given or fact may leave them vulnerable to abusers for the rest of [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] their life. At the very least it leaves them vulnerable, until they learn to uproot it.
Nor does explanation make it any better. "He had a [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] difficult childhood' is neither emotionally convincing nor useful. Especially if you want your children to grow up taking responsibility for their own behaviour.
Maybe your own [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] experience of childhood was one of hurt, anger and frustration because your feelings were disregarded by your parents. If that was the case, it may be hard to believe that your children are willing to put their love and trust in the fallible being that you are. Give them that opportunity honestly and consistently and they will. It may well be the most healing option for them and for you.
Sometimes I can be like a dog with a bone. I [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] started asking her why she had made her decision. Eventually it came out that she'd been told, in the playground, that in order to have a baby your whole tummy [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] had [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] to be unzipped and she was scared.
When they live in a situation that is less than ideal but their feelings are honoured at least by one parent, they stand a far better chance. They can cope with parental fallibility, provided that fallibility is acknowledged.
Beliefs that children see acted out most days in their home, without any credible explanation other than the sense they can make for themselves, become incredibly damaging and deep-rooted.
In doing so, we provide our children with some of the resources they need if they are to become truly resilient.
Had I dismissed her fear and her decision, she might have got over it. Equally, she might not have. Over the years she might have forgotten how that fear came about, but known that, for her, having children was too terrifying an option to contemplate. That's what happens. We [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] pick up a ragbag of diverse notions over the years that take root in our unconscious as powerful limiting beliefs.
I also believe that [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] admitting and apologizing for the ways, both large and small, in which we fail them is valuable. By doing so we validate their feelings, take responsibility for our own actions and expose our own vulnerability to them, which conveys love and trust.
Our children don't need us to be perfect. Yes, they need us to be good enough, but they are generally prepared to set the bar far lower than we might do for ourselves. They are more likely to judge us by our intentions than our results, provided we are honest and respectful with them.
You may try to hide what goes on in an abusive relationship from your children, or you may try to minimize it. Not only will [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] they register what they see or sense, they will also feel isolated by the dishonesty that [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] is being practiced in the hope of 'protecting' them.
Children do have extraordinary powers of resilience. All of us do. But it is much easier for children to access those powers if they meet with honesty and respect for their feelings.
Denial, which is slightly different from minimization doesn't work either. "He may have said a lot of horrible things, but he doesn't mean them" will not convince a child; although it will undermine a child's sense of reality.
Years ago when my daughter was quite small she came to me one day and said: "I'll never have children." She sounded terribly upset but her 6 year old mind was definitely made up. I felt pretty uncomfortable. Our [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] home life was strained. I tried to present a fa?ade of normality to her, but maybe this was a reaction.
相关的主题文章：

[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]

barbour uk outlet Boats come in all shapes and siz

[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]